A new Thriving Kids podcast episode focuses on how to help neurodivergent children to build real friendships.
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In the episode, Dave Anderson, PhD, the Child Mind Institute’s senior psychologist and vice president of public engagement and education, speaks with Caroline Maguire, MEd, PCC, an ADHD and executive function coach and author of “Friendship Skills for Neurodivergent Adults,” on the topic.
Many children with ADHD, autism, or a learning disorder often think that to make friends, they must “mask” who they actually are. So, they study others, try to blend in, and hope it works. In the process, they conceal fidgeting, agree with opinions they don’t hold, or over-apologize for awkward moments. But, Maguire said, children who work hardest to hide their true selves are often lonely.
Maguire noted that this kind of masking doesn’t build authentic friendships. Instead, true connection comes from shared interests, a shared sense of humor, or shared experiences. Finding common ground is extremely difficult when a child buries the real version of themselves, she added.
If a child struggles to make or keep friends, Thriving Kids has provided a few ideas that caregivers can put to work:
- Start with who they are, not who they are supposed to be: Children who feel they have to hide their real selves tend to feel shame, which makes connection harder. Let the child know the goal isn’t to become someone else – it is to find people who click with them as they already are.
- Let their interests do the introducing: Shared interests are the fastest way to find your people. Look for structured, interest-based activities where a passion is the price of admission, whether it’s a robotics club, theater group, Dungeons & Dragons table, a sport, or an art class.
- Treat social situations as training, not a test: Children don’t need to get it perfect – they need practice. Rehearsing tricky moments ahead of time (walking up to a group, starting a conversation, knowing how to say “no”), role play them at home, and try short “social scripts” for common exchanges. When something doesn’t work, do a calm post mortem together on what happened, which part was hard, and what to do next time.
- Right-size the friendship before your child does: Many neurodivergent children get so excited about a promising connection that they instantly crown a new acquaintance their “best friend,” and then are crushed when the feeling isn’t returned with the same intensity. Gently teach them that there are stages to getting to know someone as well as different kinds of connections – f.e., the people you say hello to, acquaintances, new friends, and the rare close friend.
- Honor introverted and anxious children: Being introverted isn’t a problem to fix. Quiet children make wonderful, loyal friends. Make sure they still get chances to connect on their own terms. Try hosting the first hangout at home where they are most comfortable and nudge them to stretch just a little past what feels easy, rather than all the way to the deep end.
To learn more, listen to the latest Thriving Kids podcast episode.
