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In a culture that emphasizes achievement – and considers mistakes something to avoid at all costs – it is important for caregivers and educators to teach children how to tolerate disappointment.

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Failing at something is a core life skill and not a weakness. When failure feels unacceptable, children can become anxious, overly self-critical, or afraid to try new things and, in the process, become more vulnerable to burnout or emotional distress. 

Dave Anderson, the Child Mind Institute’s senior psychologist and vice president of public engagement and education, joins journalist Jennifer Wallace, author of “Never Enough” and “Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose,” in the latest episode of Thriving Kids to discuss this topic. 

They talk about how toxic achievement culture affects caregivers and children alike, and what it means to raise a child who feels like they matter for who they are – and not what they accomplish.

The discussion covers:

• Why fear of failure fuels anxiety and burnout
• How caregivers can instill counter-culture messages about self-worth
• What children need from adults when they fall short

Some tips provided by Thriving Kids on how to help children learn to fail and recover from setbacks include:

• Start with empathy; when children fail, resist the urge to immediately reassure them or fix the problem. Instead, acknowledge their feelings and recognize that they are in distress.
• Model how to handle mistakes; help the child understand that failure is a normal part of life and happens to everyone.
• Turn failure into a teachable moment. A setback can be an opportunity to build acceptance and problem-solving skills.
• Step back and allow failure. It can be painful to watch children struggle, but hovering or rescuing can prevent them from developing resilience.
• Know when extra support may help. If a child’s fear of failure is so intense that it interferes with their daily life, professional support from a therapist can help them practice tolerating disappointment in a structured way.