Much of what we know about how parenthood changes a person comes from research on mothers, so the Thriving Kids podcast has released a new episode on how fathers are affected by becoming a parent.
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In the episode, Dave Anderson, PhD, senior psychologist and vice president of public engagement and education for the Child Mind Institute, discusses the topic with Darby Saxbe, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Southern California and author of “Dad Brain: The New Science of Fatherhood and How It Shapes Men’s Lives.”
Saxbe’s lab studies how the transition to parenthood reshapes a person’s brain and biology, and she has spent years looking at the parent most research overlooks.
The Thriving Kids episode includes a discussion on what her lab found when they scanned new fathers’ brains, including a loss of gray matter that resembles the pruning that happens in childhood and appears to make the social parts of the brain more efficient.
The fathers who changed the most reported feeling more bonded to their babies and doing more of the caregiving. They also reported more symptoms of depression, anxiety, and problems with sleeping, all of which are aspects of new fatherhood that rarely get named.
The discussion also focuses on testosterone, which dips in new fathers across species, and why messaging that higher testosterone levels are always better misses what research actually shows. Saxbe talks about the personal habits that tend to shift when men become fathers, from wearing seat belts and sunscreen to regular checks as well as evidence that parenthood may serve as protective function in the brain as you age.
Anderson and Saxbe also talk about play, the value of following a child’s lead into interests you do not share, and what boys are absorbing about masculinity from the loudest voices online.
Other expert-based strategies from the Child Mind Institute for helping fathers to build stronger connections with their children include:
- Set aside 10 minutes a day of undivided attention doing something your child picks each day, whether it’s a card game, puzzle, LEGOs, or making art. This strengthens the relationship with the child and is short enough to protect on a busy weeknight.
- Follow their lead. Play along without directing the play or steering it toward what you would rather be doing. Let the child choose the game, the characters, and the rules, and join the world they are building. Playing this way is good for children, and it has been found to lower parenting stress.
- Be specific with your praise, which tells children exactly what to do again. Look for chances to praise creativity, kindness, humor, and effort, not only wins and grades.
- Model what you want them to pick up. Children watch how you treat your partner much more closely than they listen to what you say about relationships. Show interest in your partner’s ideas, be encouraging when things are hard, and let children see you work through a disagreement without contempt. Watch your own language too, including gendered lines or comments about women’s bodies.
- Talk about what they are seeing online. Boys are getting a steady stream of content about bodies, status, and what a man is supposed to be. Start with curiosity instead of a lecture. Then, look at it together, talk through what is realistic and what is harmful, and help them find men in their lives they can actually talk to.
