Children learn the social meanings of gender from adults and culture. Beliefs about activities, interests, and behaviors associated with gender are called “gender norms,” and gender norms are not exactly the same in every community (Office of Head Start Early Childhood Learning and Knowledge Center). Adults can either challenge or reinforce the bias that might underline gendered play. By doing so they either permit or prohibit children to be themselves in how they approach play.

How Can Children Learn About Gender Through Play?

The play offers children a context to engage in social learning; in play, children can practice new skills and understandings before they start using them in other situations (Johnson, Christie, and Wardle, 2005). The social learning that takes place during play constitutes an important part of children’s experience of constructing and shaping their gender identities (Yelland, 1998). Through their play choices, children enact their understanding of gender as well as further develop their gender identities (Children’s Research Network).

Children learn cognitive, emotional, social, linguistic, and problem-solving skills through pretend (dramatic) play. They also explore what life is like for other people, animals, or objects (what is it like to be a mother? a train? or a lion?). For example, children of all genders with a pregnant parent often engage in pregnancy play (putting a doll or stuffed animal up their shirt). In doing so, they’re exploring what it is like to be pregnant. All children, regardless of gender, show interest in this question and develop empathy by exploring other roles. Pretend play does not cause a child to develop any particular adult gender or sexual identity, and is developmentally appropriate (Include NYC).

How Does Non-Gendered Play Impact Sense of Self?

Young children look to caring adults to help them understand the expectations of their society and to develop a secure sense of self. Children are more likely to develop resiliency and succeed when they feel valued and have a sense of belonging (AAP Healthy Children, 2015; Kohlberg, 1966; Ramsey, 2004). Parents and caregivers can support healthy gender identity development by recognizing the importance of non-gendered play. Cross-gender preferences and play are a normal part of gender development and exploration regardless of their future gender identity (Healthy Children).

Strategies for Challenging Gender Stereotypes During Play

• If accessible, provide a variety of toys for your child to choose from, including baby dolls, toy vehicles, action figures, blocks, etc. Utilize books, puppets, and other toys to think through, act out, and challenge gender norms.
• If you overhear children saying, “Boy can’t play ______” or “Girls are supposed to ______,” consider gently intervening by approaching calmly and inquisitively, so that children don’t think they are “in trouble”.
• Consider intervening or making a plan to alter modes of gender-segregated or gender-competitive play. How might you be able to structure activities or spaces differently to encourage children to explore a multitude of games, interests, and modes of being (quiet vs. active)? (Include NYC) This includes encouraging non-stereotypical play, ensuring equal access to all materials, and providing challenging physical activities for boys and girls.
• Boys might need additional support in crossing gendered play boundaries as they adhere more strongly to their own sex stereotypes. As a result, this could decrease their opportunities to engage with toys that have the potential to elicit higher levels of play complexity. Parents and caregivers who are aware of such nuances can be alert to have conversations with their children and encourage different play opportunities (Children’s Research Network).

Gender, Gender Identity, and LGBTQ+ Inclusion

Gender development is a normal process for all children, and there are often variations in the process. Love, acceptance, and unconditional support through all developmental stages can help support healthy gender development.

Trying Together published resources on this topic including gender identity development in early childhood; how sex, gender, and gender identity are defined; supporting gender nonconformity; non-gendered play in early childhood; and information about local organizations supporting LGBTQ+ youth. 

Featured Resources

Gender, Gender Identity, LGBTQ+ Inclusion: A Family Guide

Gender, Gender Identity, LGBTQ+ Inclusion: A Family Guide gives caregivers clear definitions of some terms in the topic of gender development. This guide also explores gender identity development at each age along with some supportive strategies.

How are Sex, Gender, and Gender Identity Defined?

Parental support is key to healthy gender identity development in the early years of life, but an understanding of the definitions of important terms will help parents better navigate support. View detailed definitions and explanations of these terms.

Gender Identity Development in Early Childhood

As children age, they go through different stages of gender identity development. It is important to show support through early childhood. Learn more.

Non-Gendered Play in Early Childhood

Through social learning, play can be a tool for children to guide their understanding of gender and develop gender identities. It becomes key to make play non-gendered to foster exploration through play.

Supporting Gender Non-Conforming or Binary Young Children

Even though the adults in a child’s environment have no control over their gender identities, they are influential on whether the child feels respected and accepted or shamed and rejected. Being supportive is key to fostering a healthy relationship.

Children’s Books to Celebrate Gender Expression, Inclusion, and Pride

Books can help children see both a reflection of themselves and empathy towards others. View a list of children’s books that promote various ideas of the LGBTQ+ community that may be a helpful resource for children.

LGBTQ+ Organizations: Resources for Families

There are both national and local organizations to support the LGBTQ+ community. View a list of national and local organizations supporting the LGBTQ+ community.

More Information

Additional resources and information can be found on the Trying Together website.

Children begin to understand and express their gender identity early in life (Caring for Kids). Parents can support healthy gender identity development by loving and accepting their children through their developmental stages. Unconditional support will reduce the feelings of shame that may occur when a child isn’t able to express their gender identity. Understanding the definitions of important terms will empower parents and caregivers with the knowledge to navigate resources related to gender development.

Definitions to Help with Gender Expression & Development

Below is a list of definitions from Caring for Kids.

• Sex at birth: At birth, sex is assigned based on external genitalia. A child who has a penis is classified as male. A child who has a vulva is classified as female. 
• Gender identity: Gender identity is “who you know yourself to be”. It is important to know that gender identity exists on a spectrum. A person’s gender identity can be masculine, feminine, or other.
• Gender expression: This is how you express your gender to others. One can express this through behavior, clothing, hairstyle, the name you choose to use, and so on. Words to describe someone’s gender expression could be “masculine,” “feminine,” “androgynous,” etc.
• Sexual orientation: This refers to the sexual or emotional attraction that one feels for another person.
• Transgender: When a person’s gender identity differs from their assigned sex at birth, they may identify as “transgender” (often shortened to “trans”). For example, a child born with female genitalia may identify as a boy. A child may also say that they are not a boy or a girl, but just “themselves” because they don’t want their sexual characteristics to define who they are. Some cultures and Indigenous people use the term “two-spirit” to represent a person who embodies both a masculine and feminine spirit. Two-spiritedness has many subtleties of a spiritual and cultural nature.
• Gender dysphoria: Describes the level of discomfort or suffering that can exist when there is a conflict between the assigned sex at birth and gender identity. Some transgender children experience no distress about their bodies, while others may express significant discomfort. This distress can be more obvious as puberty begins and the body starts to change.

Proud Haven is a Pittsburgh LGBTQ+ youth organization that provides a safe space for ages 21 and under. From Monday through Friday, 1-7 p.m., Proud Haven offers arts and crafts, workshops, games, movie nights, resources, and more. 

Location

• 517 E. Ohio St., Pittsburgh, PA 15212

This location is accessible by the Pittsburgh Port Authority bus routes: 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 11, 12, 15, 17, and 54.

Get Involved

To participate in activities at Proud Haven, view their events calendar. Supplies are limited and varying and will be given on a first-come, first-served basis. To check availability, please email admin@proudhaven.org.

Donations can be made to Proud Haven in the form of monetary donations, canned goods, perishable goods, snack food, hygiene products, socks, clothing, gift cards to restaurants, and/or gift cards to grocery stores. Please message Proud Haven before dropping off donations.

More Information

Proud Haven’s programming is made possible by a collaboration between Proud Haven, TransYOUniting, and TransPridePgh. For additional information on supporting Pittsburgh LGBTQ+ youth, please contact admin@proudhaven.org.

Gender identity development is a normal process for all children. Gender identity refers to the deep and intimate feeling a person has of themselves. Children begin to understand and express their gender identity early in life. They may express their gender through their choices in clothing, social relationships with peers, choice of toys, or preferred nicknames. However, their gender expression in these ways is different from their gender identity, which is who the child knows themselves to be on the inside (Caring for Kids).

During this same time of life, children learn gender role behavior—that is, do­ing “things that boys do” or “things that girls do.” However, cross-gender preferences and play are a normal part of gender development and exploration regardless of their future gender identity (Healthy Children). From a young child’s perspective, playing with a toy or wearing certain clothing simply means “I like this.” Children do not yet have an understanding of how their choices may be commonly associated with one gender or another (Office of Head Start Early Childhood Learning and Knowledge Center).

Parents can support healthy gender identity development by loving and accepting their children through their developmental stages. Unconditional helps prevent shame when a child isn’t able to express their gender identity.

Gender Identity Development at Each Age

Gender identity typically develops in the following ways at each age.

Infancy

• Children observe messages about gender from adults’ appearances, activities, and behaviors.
• Parents’ interactions with their infants are influenced by the child’s gender, shaping the child’s understanding of gender. (Office of Head Start Early Childhood Learning and Knowledge Center)

18 to 24 Months

• Toddlers begin to define gender, using messages from many sources. As they develop a sense of self, toddlers look for patterns in their homes and early care settings. Gender is one way to understand group belonging, which is important for secure development. (Office of Head Start Early Childhood Learning and Knowledge Center)

Two to three years old

• At around two years old, children are aware of differences between boys and girls.
• Most children can identify themselves as a “boy” or “girl”. This term may or may not match the assigned sex at birth.
• Some children’s gender identity remains stable over their lives, while others may alternate between identifying themselves as “boy” or “girl”, or even assume other gender identities at different times (sometimes even on the same day). This is normal and healthy. (Caring for Kids)

Four to five years old

• Children become more aware of gender expectations or stereotypes as they grow older. For example, they may think that certain toys are only for girls or boys.
• Some children may express their gender very strongly. For example, a child might go through a stage of insisting on wearing a dress every day, or refusing to wear a dress even on special occasions. (Caring for Kids)

Six to seven years old

• Many children begin to reduce outward expressions of gender as they feel more confident that others recognize their gender. For example, a girl may not feel that she has to wear a dress every day because she knows that others see her as a girl no matter what she wears.
• Children who feel their gender identity is different from the assigned sex at birth may experience increased social anxiety because they want to be like their peers, but realize they don’t feel the same way. (Caring for Kids)

Eight years old and older

• Pre-teens and teens continue to develop their gender identity through personal reflection and with input from their social environment, like peers, family and friends.
• Some gender-stereotyped behaviors may appear. You may notice your teen or pre-teen making efforts to “play up” or “downplay” some of their body’s physical changes.
• As puberty begins, some youth may realize that their gender identity is different from their assigned sex at birth.
• Because some children’s gender identification may change, especially around puberty, families are encouraged to keep options open for their child. (Caring for Kids)

Show Support

Gender development is a normal process for all children. Some children will exhibit variations―similar to all areas of human health and behavior. However, all children need support, love, and care from family, school, and society, which fosters growth into happy and healthy adults (Healthy Children).

Sometimes parents and caregivers unintentionally expect and encourage particular behaviors and traits based on a child’s gender. For example, adults tend to comment on a girl’s appearance, saying things like “Aren’t you adorable?” or “What a pretty dress!” On the other hand, comments about boys tend to center on their performance with a focus on abilities, such as “You’re such a good climber!” or “You’re so smart.” 

As an adult supporting healthy development, you can develop a habit of commenting on who you are as an individual. You can foster self-esteem in children of any gender by giving all children positive feedback about their unique skills and qualities. For example, you might say to a child, “I noticed how kind you were to your friend when she fell down” or “You were very helpful with clean-up today—you are such a great helper” or “You were such a strong runner on the playground today.” (Office of Head Start Early Childhood Learning and Knowledge Center)

How to Show Support

There are a variety of other ways that parents can support their child through development, and engage them in healthy, developmentally appropriate ways about their gender expression and identity.

• Talk with your child about gender identity. As soon as your child is able to say words like “girl” and “boy,” they are beginning to understand gender.
• Ask questions! This is a great way to hear your child’s ideas about gender.
• Ask your child’s teachers how they support gender expression and what they teach about gender identity at school.
• Read books with your child that talk about many different ways to be a boy, a girl, or have another gender identity.
• If accessible, provide a variety of toys for your child to choose from, including baby dolls, toy vehicles, action figures, blocks, etc.
• Don’t pressure your child to change who they are.
• Be aware that a child who is worrying about gender may show signs of depression, anxiety, and poor concentration. They may not want to go to school. If you are concerned about your child’s emotional health, talk to your child’s family doctor, pediatrician, or other mental health professionals